I wish that I could actually sing. I imagine lifting my voice high in praise and making a joyful noise unto the Lord. My husband knows that God must have tone- deafness because the sounds that I thrust into the air are not praise worthy, nor are they joyful to hear. This is a sad truth for me to embrace, because I LOVE music. I love listening to the lyrics and applying the words to my life. With a few after-a-long-day-at-work exceptions, my car radio is tuned to a contemporary Christian station. I figure with all the other things in the world pulling me away from my faith, at least I can have something that will bring me back to center when I am out and about. Plus, I want my kids hearing positive music- at least when they are with me! I like this station because there is some more tame praise and worship songs, but there is also some pretty hard core rock. I need to be able to throw my hands up in the air and jump around now and then...okay, quite often, really.

And then there are the songs that convict me and at the same time give me peace about the struggles I am going through. I hear words in the lyrics that I have said or thought, and I know that I am not alone in them. I think certain bands are blessed with this better than others,Jars of Clay seems amazing at it. Here is the newest song of theirs I heard coming to work a few mornings ago...
you can listen to a bit of it, and even buy it at the website of the radio station I listen to.
It's called Air1. it is at 90.9 FM in OKC, or you can listen on the web at www.air1.com




I've been living out of sanity
I've been splitting hairs and blurring lines
I am a house that is divided
In my heart and in my mind

(Chorus)
I use one hand to pull closer
The other to push you away
If I had two hands doing the same thing
Lifted high, lifted high

I have a broken disposition
I'm a liar who thirsts for the truth
And while I ache for faith to hold me
I need to feel the scars and see the proof

(Chorus)

And if we just keep digging
We can reach the foundation Of our souls
And if we just keep cutting all the chains from our hearts
We'll lose control

Jars of Clay - Two Hands
From the album Long Fall Back To Earth


(Chorus)

And it feels like giving in
It feels like starting over
It feels like waking up, and you know it's coming
It feels like a brand new day Open your eyes


Have a safe and happy Memorial Day!! Go do something to honor a veteran, or service member and family. They pay the ultimate cost for the freedoms we all take for granted- it is time we all let them know how much we appreciate it!

So sorry Mr. Squirrel for running you over this morning, killing you and causing your tail to go flying through the air in all those little furry puffs.

I didn't see you.

My eyes were burning.

Probably from the Vinegar rinse I did on my hair this morning. My hairthat was wet, a full hour after getting out of the shower- because of the ongoing rain storm.

Another song comes to mind for you today, Mr. Squirrel...

"Blame it on the rain (rain)
Blame it on the stars (stars)
Whatever you do don't put the blame on you
Blame it on the rain yeah yeah
You can blame it on the rain
Get
Ooh, ooh (ooh)
I can't, I can't. I can't, can't stand the rain
I can't, I can't. I can't, can't stand the rain..."
(name that 90's group!!!)

Postscript: Anyone else around here find it somewhat telling that I am having all these problems with rain after posting about how I trusted in God to get me through the flood????

Rain, Rain, Go Away.
Come again another day (maybe a week or so from now?)
So in the garden, I can play! (and perhaps actually grow some vegetables to feed my family...if they don't dampen off and require me to spend yet another weekend bent over the dirt making row upon row...)

and in case you're wondering, NO! I am not in a bad mood. Just a little case of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) from not seeing the sun in weeks...

judging from the forecast I just saw, it could get MUCH worse before it gets better. Consider yourselves forewarned! ;)

"Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water.
Even if the Earth crumbles under my feet
Even if the ones I love
Turn around and crucify me
I won’t ever ever let you down
I won’t fall
I won’t fall
I won’t fall as long as you’re around me"


These song lyrics by Christian group Needtobreathe struck me the first time I heard them. It came out at a time when every worldly thing in my life was in limbo. The house I loved was on the market- too expensive for us to stay in. The phone rang off the hook, day in and day out with calls from people wanting to be paid -seemingly unconcerned with the fact that paying them would mean not feeding my children. The flood wasn't rising, it was overcoming me. But I didn't fall. Not even once.

The storms I went through last fall were a real ground zero in the battleground of my faith. It was the first time since my mom died that I have gone through such a monumental event. And like the earlier struggle, my faith became stronger and more solid, and I saw more than ever that God IS around me. He alone can hold me up. It's an amazing experience to actually throw yourself into his arms- without fear.

All of this is running through my mind today, the song, the past year, because my oldest son, now 11 is being baptized this Sunday. I was only one year older than he is now when I did the same. I still have the picture of me and the others on the beach in Jacksonville. It was a windy day, and the current was strong. I remember being really nervous that the seawater would go up my nose and I would gag or blow snot out my nose in front of all the spectators. Those were the biggest worries I had at 12.

Logan, on the other hand, worries about why God gave us free will. Or, why Satan works harder to pull him away since he is a firstborn. And, why does Adam's original sin still affect us today? And others so complex I can't remember them.

On one hand, I hear his questions and want to run screaming to my pastor and beg him to enroll Logan in seminary so I don't have to think that hard. But on the other hand, I am in awe of my child. I am amazed at the concepts he grasps at such a young age in relation to theology- and about life in general. I look at him today, and realize that I am only now as an adult, asking many of the same questions he is at 12! I am jealous that he will have a deeper relationship with his creator than I did in his transition to adulthood. And I am thankful that God is blessing him with this curiosity about his Saviour.

So, I will celebrate his decision to proclaim his faith with him on Sunday, knowing that even though he makes me pull my hair out most days with his ceaseless questions and incessant attempts to rationalize EVERYTHING he does, there is no question about his heart's desire.

I will rejoice that when the floods come into his life, as they always do, that he will undoubtedly understand and know that he won't ever fall- God is around him.